A Horse Is A Horse (of course, of course)

In my many and varied travels, I've absorbed my fair share of historical trivia. Did you know, for example, that Don Henley started the Straight Edge movement and that the Eagles recorded an entire concept album about it -- sans Joe Walsh, of course -- featuring songs such as "xMake Me A Sandwich, Not Drugsx" and "xWe Would Never Be Caught Indulging In The Excesses Described In Our Songs 'Hotel California' or 'Life In The Fast Lane' Because We Are Straight Edgex?" (Sadly, the record was never released, as Joe Walsh decided to smoke the master tapes). In a recent adventure which I've entitled "Ian Saves Abraham Lincoln From John Wilkes LITTLE GIRL," I prevented the second assassination of our Antebellum-ist President by a little girl disguised as a statue. It was as intense as it was factual, and also less factual than intense (that's called a paradox, which is coincidentally the nom-de-WWF that Lincoln used during his brief tenure as a Mexican wrestler: Abe "The Paradox" Lincoln). Observe below:

Moments after this picture was taken, this little girl fired on our deadest President; notice her reaching for a weapon in the folds of her dress (Petticoat Junction? More like Petticoat M For Murder!). Also notice the grim determination on my face: some have mistaken it for the anguished look of the Irish-Pole in the sun, withering away like so many vampires...but COURAGE and UNFLINCHING PATRIOTISM are often mistaken as such. Lincoln was kind enough to catch the bullet in his hat, making this the most macabre magic-trick-gone-wrong ever. For those doubting the extreme danger of the situation, note the construction/danger cone in the background, a sure sign of impending doom.

However, none of that compares to the historical document below, recently recovered by SCIENTISTS who, as a rule, tell the truth all the time (smoking wasn't bad for your health until the 1960s, and only after that because people started doing it wrong; also, Global Warming is still not real to 10% of people, because things are only real once you believe in them, much like during the banquet scene in Steven Spielberg's "Hook." BANGARANG!). Written circa 1856 -- and showing not just a little foresight into the future of cinema -- please take the time to read this ode to the majestic horse, written by one Gillen Horatio Riggs, Esq.:

Salutations, fellow footballers! I hope you all had a splendid off-season and are getting ready to kick-off (pun-intended) our season in a friendly and competitive manner. In the spirit of these, I would like to submit to you this essay I found regarding the history of the Horse - my team mascot. I'm not sure who wrote it, but I think It's safe to say that it was one of history's intellectual greats like Aristotle or Burt Reynolds:

The history of the Horse has been one of pride and prestige. This majestic beast has played a pivotal role in our world's economic growth. Not only that, it has carried
countless of our nation's most important figures with reliability and loyalty. From such notables as Paul Revere to Indiana Jones, these people trusted their most important of missions to no other animal than the Horse. Can you say that YOU or any of your cousins played key roles in keeping the Nazis from getting the Holy Grail? I submit that you can not.

The Greeks used an effigy of a horse to sack the city of Troy. The Trojans, surprised by so generous a gift, accepted the horse into their city without question. Tell me - If the Greeks had chosen another shape to build - say, a Muffin... would their plan have been triumphant? The correct answer is ABSOLUTELY NOT. Muffins are ultimately a suspicious bakery item that no one has trusted ever since the infamous "Muffin Man" murders in the late 70s.

The Horse is synonymous with many other wonderful traits such as speed, strength, and charisma. Let us ponder for a moment the revolution in message delivery that was none other than the PONY EXPRESS. This service allowed faster communication throughout the transcontinental United States and hastened the advent of American Industry. One could argue that The Pony (which IS a type of Horse) Express is very much responsible for our country's success today! Now - what if instead, these ground-breaking entrepreneurs had instead called their service something like "The Sassy Express?" Hmm? Let me tell you what would have happened. NO ONE WOULD HAVE USED IT. EVER. Who wants to been sassed when they are trying to send a letter to their Grandma Jones? Not I, and certainly not you, either. These brilliant men selected an insignia of speed and reliability, and who could argue their choice? The answer is: nobody.

Ponder again the significance if Rocky Balboa had instead been assigned the moniker of "The Italian Hillbilly?" Thunderlips would have crushed him! Along with Apollo Creed and Ivan Drago. He never would have married Adrienne and the world would certainly never have been introduced to the fabulous and formidable Tommy Gun. I also have a theory suggesting that the brave and heroic RAMBO would never have rescued those American POW's OR Colonel Trautman (a.k.a. America's GREATEST Colonel) from the Commies, and the animated series "Rambo and the Forces of Freedom" DEFINITELY would have been absent from history as well...but that theory is for another place and time. All things considered, Rocky could ONLY have achieved triumphant victory over Clubber Lang and gained the favor of the ENTIRE Soviet Union using the name "THE ITALIAN STALLION."

So you see, the Horse is not only a symbol of power and speed, it is also a symbol of patriotism and victory. Ben Franklin and Teddy Roosevelt each rode horses - they are both symbols of traditional American ideals like freedom and justice (or alcoholism and animal cruelty, I always mix these up). If you don't support horses you are obviously a terrorist who is trying to hijack planes and probably have plans to build a gigantic space station whose goal is to find and obliterate Alderan, or wherever the Rebel Fleet is currently located. Anyone who is opposed the Horse and their goals should be considered un-patriotic and a terrorist Nazi from the Soviet Union who is here to perpetuate a plan that will ultimately return the Ring of Power to Sauron and end the World. You're not a terrorist are you? I thought not.

In Summation, If you are a loyal American you have only one obvious choice: stay out of the horse's way or get trampled under the horseshoes of LIBERTY!!!!!!!!!